I’ll admit something: I’m usually the last one to move on after a breakup. At least relationships where I’d actually fallen for the person. I rarely fall but when I fall, I fall fast, I fall hard, and it’s hard for me to get back up after I fall.
For this reason: I’m usually the one still reeling after the breakup, tending to my wounds and processing the breakup while I watch my ex update her profile picture with someone new.
I’ve been in love four times in my life. I’ve also been heartbroken four times as well. Go figure, right?
I’m good at not giving a shit. I can not give a shit with the best of them. But every time I’ve ever given a shit in a relationship, I’ve eaten shit. Metaphorically of course.
Interestingly, there is a pattern that has presented itself.
The first girl I was in love with broke it off with me because she met a guy who made it clear to her that her and I were not the right fit together.
The second girl and I only broke up because we moving to different cities for school. Still in love, breaking up simply because of geographical obstacles, she was in another relationship within a month of us parting ways.
The third girl, who I’d had a long pent up history with, ended a long-term relationship to be with me. She flew across the country to see me and decided after a weekend with me that it wasn’t what she wanted. She was in another relationship by the next week, with a guy she’d introduced to me at a party that same weekend we were hanging out.
And the fourth girl, the most recent, ended things with me because she was desperately broken and needed to be alone to “tend to her shit”. A month later she was in another relationship uploading her profile picture with her and a new guy.
“So what’s the pattern? I’m a piss ass human being who scares women into the arms of more suitable men? The women I seem to fall for are serious serial monogamists who can’t go more than a month without being in a relationship?”
Whatever the reason, it “appears” that the people I’m in relationships always seem to move on so much faster than I do.
First off, just because people “appear” to have “moved on” — AKA. Started seeing someone new — it doesn’t mean they’re actually over you. Sometimes it can actually mean quite the contrary — they’re trying to hide and disguise the pain of losing you by distracting themselves with the presence of someone new.
But yes, it can sometimes mean they’re already over you. Or that the love or feelings they had for you did not run as deep for them, as it did for you. So the aftermath of the breakup is more of a breakthrough for them, versus a temporary breakdown for you.
That’s hard to deal with. One of the worst feelings in the world is going through a breakup all by yourself. It makes you question if they ever really loved you at all, or if they were just swept up with the romanticism of love and romance.
Sometimes people move onto something better. At least something that is better suited for them, which supersedes your relationship, making the breakup easier to process because this new person they’re with feels more aligned to them, which grants them more closure and peace-of-mind over letting you go.
Some people fall in and out of love easily. Some people have the “love thing” almost down to this systematic process. That’s because they’re so readily available for love, always looking for it and yearning for it.
“There are some serial monogamists who just naturally congregate to love and companionship. They love love. They love romance. They don’t like being alone. They adapt well to other people and adhere to more dependent behaviour and ‘dependent relationship’ types with less importance in their life being placed on career and independence.”
Then there are also people who hide from themselves in relationships. Rather than being alone and giving themselves the space and time to do the necessary internal work to evolve and improve the stability and sanctuary of their own emotional life, they choose to use love as a band aid. To these people, relationships stem from a need of self-preservation rather than any unique desire or want attached to a particular person because of a special shared connection.
The sad thing is that some men depend on the love of a woman to feel whole, while some women can only know their true worth through the reflection of a man’s love and admiration. This is dangerous. These people are the type of people who transition from relationships so quickly because being liked and loved by romantic suitors becomes this unquenchable thirst that they rely on to survive. These people date tons of people, a lot of the wrong people, while also being more prone to dysfunctional and toxic relationship patterns because their desire to feel love becomes more important than their need to honour themselves.
It’s also important to keep in mind that everyone leaves a relationship in a different emotional state. What I mean by this is that some people begin taking the emotional steps of breaking up with someone in their head and heart long before the relationship actually ends. Often in long-term relationships, the breakup is drawn out over months, even years in some cases, which can make the breakup more of an organic emotional experience for one or both people.
Let’s just say, I’ve never been the type who can move from one relationship to another quickly. At least never when I had real, true feelings invested. I imagine there are a lot of men (and women) out there reading this who are like me, always seemingly at the ‘butt end’ of love. The type who seems to struggle to move on after love and always feels they’re well behind their exes when it comes to being ready to move onto someone new.
Being someone well-versed in the area, this is what I have to say to you.
First off, be grateful that you feel so much. I’m so grateful that I feel so much. I’m grateful because I know that I never cheat love. It’s real for me every fucking time. It’s no allusion. It’s not a trick. It’s not a distraction. It’s pure and authentic. The pain I feel afterward reminds me of this truth. Whether they’re experiencing this with me or not, I know the pain and hurt is a reminder of how much that person meant to me and how much that experience meant to me.
So if you’re alone in the pain of a breakup, you should feel sorry for that person because they either never felt the realness of the love you felt for them, or they’re distracting themselves from the pain of losing you. While you’re standing there in the throngs of your hurt, letting it wash over you, appreciating the pain you feel right now because you know that the pain you feel after love is directly proportional to the degree of love you felt during the relationship.
So if the breakup runs deep. It means you loved deeply. So fight a smile through your tears and show some gratitude for being fortunate to experience the full scale of the best and worst parts of the most important emotion to the human experience.
“If they’re able to love and let it go effortlessly, it means one of three things: either they’re compensating for something that’s lacking within themselves, their love was not grounded or they’re simply not the right person.”
People who move in and out of love like this are potentially broken, so they don’t let people close enough to hurt them. They’re the types who push people away at the earliest signs of conflict. They want the best parts of love without the work, hardship and potential downfall of heartbreak. For this reason: they’re continuously swooping from relationship-to-relationship to soak up the benefits of love without having to endure the pain of being on the wrong end of it.
So the fact you’re hurting so much it means you really let someone in. You didn’t love with one foot in and one foot out. You really went for it. And you ended up at the wrong end of it. But the fact you went for it and were able to allow yourself to be open enough to be hurt by someone is a great feat. The consolation prize that you can take with you moving forward is that you know you’re strong enough to take the risk and survive it. Some people are too afraid to ever let someone in or put themselves out there, so they always play it safe and never truly get to experience love in its deepest sense. Trust that one day you will put your heart out there again, only this time it won’t end with pain.
Also if someone is going to be able to move onto a new relationship so quickly after you break up, you have to trust that it means they’re probably not the right person for you. It’s impossible to escape the feeling that their new romance completely belittles your relationship and the time you spent together. But you can take solace in the fact that their “moving on” so quickly is a way for you to find some sort of closure you maybe wouldn’t have found otherwise. No matter if they’re actually over you or not, their behaviour forces you to accept the end, in turn granting you the opportunity to begin taking immediate steps to move on with your life.
“I’ll tell you the honest truth. The sexiest thing to me now? A woman who has been single for 1-2 years and is relishing in her independence. She doesn’t need a man and is loving life as an independent woman.”
Why is this so sexy? It’s because you know that you and your connection will have to be something remarkable for her to let you in. You have to be undeniable.
You know that she doesn’t need you but she will let you in if she thinks you will make her life better than it already is. When a woman who doesn’t need you makes room for you? That’s a woman whose feelings you can trust.
It’s not easy to watch your ex play house with someone else while your wounds are still so fresh from the breakup. It makes you want to hate them for so easily forgetting about your time together and being able to let go of you so quickly.
Take comfort in knowing that by the breakup being painful and hard for you, you will be sure to give yourself the appropriate time of introspection to decompress and reinvest in yourself. Time that will enable you to be stronger for yourself, but also stronger for the next person who you deem worthy of putting your heart on the line for.
Trust that when you meet the right person not only will they not be able to move on from you quickly, but they will never let you go in the first place.