In theory ghosting is bad. The key word being in “theory”.
But we’re all flawed human beings and even the most evolved, emotionally courageous and moral daters have pulled an ole fast Casper on someone before.
Because let’s be honest here…trying to tell someone whom you barely know that you don’t like the way their face looks or the sound of their laugh makes you never want to tell another joke for the rest of your life is a daunting and mighty emotional task even for the best of us.
Also, maybe you were interested in them in the beginning. Perhaps you were really stoked about this person for a while. But then you went down on them and did not like the look or taste of their genitals, and before you knew it, you were already invisible and halfway out the door.
Telling someone I’m not interested sounds easy in theory. But in reality it’s actually one of the hardest things to do. Hence, why ghosting is even a thing.
That’s because you know you’re doing the right thing by telling them off, but you know there is literally zero way that this person is not going to take your lack of interest or change of interest as a personal attack on who they are or what they look like.
You worry you might destroy this person. You worry they may tag your name with cursive letters in a public restroom. You worry they may start spreading rumours that you have three nipples or a microscopic penis.
Or worse yet, they might think you’re an asshole. Oh god! You can’t be an asshole! You’ll do anything to avoid someone thinking you’re an asshole.
So to avoid being labeled an ‘asshole’ or ruining this person’s life we just avoid the situation altogether in hopes that it just goes away on its own.
So here I’m going going to break down an honest AF guide on ghosting, which is not going to follow the same guidelines as lame surface dating writers who just say it’s bad and not to do it.
Of course ghosting is bad! But hey, even good humans need to be a little bad sometimes.
Selective Disclosure Is The Best Ghosting Remedy
Rather than telling someone their face is crooked or their vagina smells like a can of tuna. Just tell them that you’re “focusing on yourself” right now and aren’t in the right personal place for a relationship.
Rather than telling someone they’re boring and dating them would lead to you dying a slow, boring, uninteresting death. Just tell them that you still aren’t over your ex and don’t think it would be fair to get involved with someone when you still have loose ends to tie up with your former flame.
Rather than telling someone you love their personality but they are just not hot enough to date and you know it’s not possible to titty fuck a personality. Just tell them that you’re going through a lot right now and could really use a friend more than anything.
You want to communicate the fact you’re not interested in anything further romantic without ruining them, emotionally. And most of the time being brutally honest with someone you’re still getting to know as to why you’re not interested in them anymore is actually more malicious, than it is to only be slightly honest with them.
So tell them the truth, but only part of the truth. That’s all the honesty required to someone who you aren’t even officially in a relationship with yet.
A Mutual Ghosting Removes The Ghosting
Two ghosts equal zero ghosts.
If there are two ghosts then you’re both invisible and nobody gives a fuck.
I remember a few months ago I was hanging out and talking to this girl for a month. On the very last night we hung out I left at the end of the night with an awkward “Is it a hug? Is it a kiss?” combo exchange. And we both stared into each other’s eyes as I slowly walked down the steps to her front door thinking the exact same thing, “I’m going to ghost you mother fucker!”
You know that feeling when hanging out with a romantic prospect and you just know you will never see them again?
It’s this weird unspoken agreement that this is the end.
You both can sense there is something missing. A spark. A connection. A sexual energy. Something is missing. And you both know you’re about to ghost. But guess what! It doesn’t count as ghosting if both of you are on the same ghosting page.
A mutual ghosting removes all conscious guilt over the ghosting.
It just becomes two people that have an unspoken agreement that they’re not interested.
Here’s the thing: ghosting only applies when you’re actually trying to hide from someone. But you can’t hide from someone that is also trying to hide from you.
Ghosting Someone Is Acceptable If You Haven’t Had Sex Yet
I never even had sex with that girl I was hanging out with for a month, either. So we both ghosted each other and we hadn’t even had sex yet. Therefore, we were double in the clear to ghost with zero conscious guilt.
You don’t need a formal exit if you haven’t properly entered them yet.
This is why it’s a good strategy to delay sleeping with them for a little while to make sure there’s a strong connection, while still leaving yourself the option of turning into a ghost on the table.
There is something that makes you feel emotionally indebted to someone once you sleep with them.
But if you haven’t had sex with them yet, for all intents and purposes, you could still technically be friends. You don’t owe them your overbearing honesty just yet because pre-sex, you’re still doing the dance as you try to figure each other out.
But after you’ve had sex with them and continued to have sex with them for a while, ghosting is unacceptable unless it’s a mutual ghosting, as two ghosts completely removes the ghosting (like we previously covered).
DO NOT Ghost If They Continue To Chase You
Knowing if it’s appropriate to ghost most often comes down to your discretion. Sometimes you hang out with someone a few times and it just kind of organically fizzles out.
In this situation it is not necessary to say anything to the person because it’s clear that neither one of you are crazy about each other or else you’d be making more of an effort to see them again. In these cases: just let it go.
But sometimes only one person loses interest. You know forsure that you don’t want to go out or hook up again but it’s clear they do.
Under these circumstances the first section on ‘Selective Disclosure’ is your best friend because you need to make it clear you’re not interested in further pursuing anything romantic or sexual without ruining their future dating lives with your overbearing and potentially judgemental honesty.
The “I’M NOT INTERESTED” Challenge
All ghosting considered, it is clearly best practice not to do it. So this is my challenge for you.
I dare you to start telling people “I’m not interested” rather than ghosting them or fading them out. Just try it. Don’t string people along. Don’t shy from the truth. Don’t tell them lies so you can avoid being labelled an ‘asshole’.
Your dating life would be so much less stressful if you just had the courage to be one hundred percent honest with people.
I call this: cleaning up the dirty laundry in your dating life.
You have the tough conversations. You consider other people’s best interest and face emotional confrontation head on because you understand that on the other side of being completely honest and transparent with other people is closure for them and emotional freedom for you.
Truth is people who are the most successful in their dating lives are simply the best at facing emotional confrontation in relationships and handling the situation with respect and grace. The key word: GRACE.
There is a way to let people down and be completely honest with them that won’t destroy them for the next person. You have their best interest at heart and tell them your truth with respect and grace.
YOU ARE NOT AN ASSHOLE BY TELLING SOMEONE YOUR TRUTH.
If they react negatively to your honesty, that is just their ego taking a hit. They’re likely going to be hurt or disappointed but you can’t control that.
While it may sting and bruise their ego in the short-term….in the long-term they will thank you for setting them free with closure and without a lot of time wasted on someone that wasn’t as invested in them as they deserve.
Always remember: on the other side of giving someone your clear, direct honesty, you obtain emotional freedom for yourself and provide them clean, quick-to-process pain.
Resurrecting A Ghost
Can you come back from the dead after ghosting someone?
Can they come back to life after ghosting you?
When somebody tries to resurrect themselves after ghosting you, it means they literally murdered themselves so they wouldn’t have to date you anymore.
Would you take someone back who would rather die than fuck you?
The only reason they’ve resurrected themselves is because it’s late at night and they’re desperate, horny, out of options and haven’t masturbated yet.
But…say you ghost someone and then have a change of heart. Perhaps you see new hot pics of them online with a new shredded summer bod. Or maybe it was bad timing when you first started “seeing each other” and you’re in a much better place for something romantic now. Or maybe things fazed off for no particular reason and you’re still curious about this person.
To begin with, you can’t surprise them out of the woodwork. You’re a fucking ghost. You will give them a god damn heart attack if you appear out of thin air from under their bed or inside their closet.
No surprise texts or Insta DM’s. That’s some paranormal shit. They will think you’re trying to haunt them from the dead, which is some inconsiderate psychopathic shit.
You must reincarnate your connection by running into them organically. A summer barbeque. A birthday party. Their favourite coffee shop. At their work. Out front their house. Inside their bedroom. Something extremely organic that would be seen as almost serendipitous.
AND ONLY THEN after an unplanned, serendipitous meeting that you arranged after stalking their social media activity can you begin the process of digging yourself out of the grave you dug yourself.
Suddenly they remember you’re alive. They’re a sucker for the serendipity of the moment. Slowly and surely you begin charming yourself back to life. And they fall for you a SECOND TIME.
Getting someone to fall for you again after you’d previously ghosted them is some rocking-chair-by-a-fire kind of storybook shit.
But for those thinking of resurrecting a ghost back into their life: if they ghost you once, shame on them. But if they ghost you twice, shame on you.