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Jamie Rea

Comedy

The Impenetrable Pussy Protector

The Impenetrable Pussy Protector

Talking to girls inside the bar can be difficult because you’re forced to rely on the conversation to entertain her, whereas on the dance floor you can use the loud music and dancing as a buffer or an aid to help you from having to be the smoothest guy in the bar, or allow you to limit the amount you have to speak if you’re highly inebriated. If you’re attractive, you can turn a few heads, rely on your looks, and kind of meander, or maneuver your body into girl’s circles and make some ground.

Except for tonight. Tonight you look around and all you see is closed off circles.

All girls’ bodies and attention are fully directed in towards their circles, and they’ve left no holes or gaps for you to claw your way through. They have their nice Louis Vuitton bags all piled in the middle, while they all stand at the perimeter with their elbows up, armed, and ready to thrust backwards to create a moat to slap the random dick away. Sometimes they even interlock arms to create a unified front of femininity to act as some weird signal that implies danger if you approach. Trust me, they’re not inviting you over to play red rover. They’re uniting together to bring you what I call the ‘Impenetrable Pussy Protector’. Which means it’s a girl’s night. Tonight they’re about celebrating their independence, apart from male company. This often happens in group nights out, birthdays, bachelorette parties, or simply girl’s nights to escape their boyfriends, or fiancées for a few hours. The closed off circle is a signal that talking to guys in not their first priority, which doesn’t mean that you will have no opportunity to talk to them, but rather you will just have to make yourself stand out from the rest of the creeps who will inevitably try and talk to them. On the flip side, girl’s searching for guys will be in pairs, they will move around the dance floor and try to find their spots just off to the sides of groups of guys to dance and giggle. AKA. Act like a display and show off their merchandise until two guys make a move.

So how do you counteract this protective circle?

Well, first off, do not try and combat the circle with force, which is often a guy’s first reaction. Some guys will march right for the eye of the storm, or the center of the circle and get up behind them and immediately start thrusting and humping at the backside of the circle, or one guy will hump sideways while pumping his arms up and down like some sexually aggressive dance move. What happens when you do this is the girl who’s at 12 o’ clock to “said” creepy dude at the far end of circle sees the whole thing transpire and signals the circle of girls like a foghorn, and all at once, simultaneously, the girl’s thrust out their elbows and fend off the creeps. One dude’s straw is smacked right up his nose, while the other guy’s drinks are smacked right out of his hands. It becomes some messy Matrix scene that leaves the guys standing in their own puddle of cheap alcohol filth. The girls put their elbows back in their holsters and give each other dabs for a circle well protected, while the guys leave the dance floor to regroup before trying to attack a weaker circle.

DO NOT DO THIS.

Do not combat the elbow thrust with force.

In order defeat it and take command of the circle you have to a wave a white flag and surrender. But you do this indirectly.

For example, if it were a bachelorette party and there were a couple cute bridesmaids you’ve been eyeing, then you go to the bar and buy a shot for bride and bring it over to her. Alcohol is great peace offering, or sign of truce. It tells the girls that you’re not there to try and hold them captive, take hold of their territory, or try and get into their pants forcefully. You’re simply laying out a little Trojan horse. Plus, your chances with the bridesmaids are held completely in the balance of how happy the bride-to-be-is. If you butter her up with girly drinks and congratulatory comments, the group will love you. If you neglect her, she will start to whine and complain that she’s not getting enough attention, and the whole group will shift into panic mode and the mission is a bust. So once you have made your impact on the group and targeted the bride-to-be as the source, then grab your buddy or buddies and form your own Impenetrable Penis Protector circle right next to the girls. Chances are if you stifled their self-defense instincts astutely enough, the girls (or likely the bride) will ask you to combine circles with them.

BOOM!

They’ve just extended the drawbridge. You’re now inside the castle. Now the group is smiling and you glide up to that bridesmaid you’ve had your eye on, but now you have the group’s queen bee barking the bridesmaid’s ear off about how cute you are, and if she wasn’t about to be married…she would…you know the drill. Mission accomplished.

Now there are other methods to penetrate the circle, this is just a very specific example. One way is to approach a circle and compliment them on their defense skills after they’ve just victimized some lowly dude whom you just saw limp his way to the restroom. You tell one girl how you really admire the way she thrusts her elbows. But as much as you admire her tactic, you’d really like for her to make an exception and bring them down so you can have a conversation with her. She will be so thrown that you knew what she was doing — just like sharks think they’re suave when we really can see their fins coming from a mile away. So she will probably see you as an outlier, or a guy that’s different from the rest of the sheep of creeps because you’re aware enough to understand what she was doing.

BOOM!

This time you didn’t even have to enter the castle, but rather you just lured the princess away from her protective lair with yourhonourable intelligence.

Finally, if all else fails you can simply try and nestle up to the girl’s circle with your own Impenetrable Penis Protector (IPP) and take the energy away from their circle through indifference. If you don’t seem to need them, or care about what they’re doing, but rather you show that you have something to protect as well (your precious crown jewels) then the girls might come over to your circle to see what all the protection is for.

BOOM!

I’ll stop there.

This circle brings a lot of misery to the men who so foolishly gallop for it head on. Sure it may look intimidating from the outside, but you just have to be more tactical with your approach and not fight fire with fire. You don’t want to be those creepy and overly self-assured guys who try to figure out problems from the inside, because then you’re too late — your drink is splashed in your face and an elbow is in your abdomen. You want to stand back, have a laugh to yourself, and have some fun with it, because you know exactly what’s going on here.

Just be sure that you read the situation with dignity and integrity, in other words, if they respond to your peace offering poorly (scowls, elbows) then be on your way and suffice for a guy’s night, or one of the girls circulating the bar in a pair.

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