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Jamie Rea

Comedy

What A Guy Thinks About When He Goes Down On A Woman

Oral sex is extremely personal and intimate. It’s even considered to be more personal and intimate than intercourse to many people. And the first time is a huge make-or-break moment, helping to determine if the relationship continues to progress or dissolves.

If you’re excited about this person and have delayed physical gratification in this new relationship, you pray to God you like their genitals — in fact, you want discovering their genitals to feel like you’ve just discovered Jesus.

For a guy, going down on a new girl for the very first time is the adult feeling of Christmas morning — the excitement has been building, anticipation rising, “I wonder what I’m going to get this time???”

That’s just some of the internal monologue that goes on when a guy is going down on a girl for the first time. Here’s what else is on his mind during those crucial early stages of intimacy:

“Slow down, lets take her through a school zone of pleasure. Delay your gratification. Time to tease her and paint her entire body with your tongue like you’re Michelangelo painting the god dam Sistine Chapel.”

“Please tell me the present inside is as nice as the wrapping on the outside. My God! These panties are phenomenal.”

“I wonder if she is hairless? Landing strip maybe? Full bush? Nah, I doubt it. But maybe she didn’t think this was going to happen tonight? Look at her letting me slide down her so willingly…yeah she’s prepared. She’s got her A-game Vagina right now. Whatever her vagina looks like right now is her vagina on its best day. Her vagina is dressed for the God damn Met Ball — and the night begins with my tongue.”

“Just please don’t smell. I can’t go down and pop back up. I mean, I could pretend that I wanted to kiss her on the lips so badly that I had to pop back up? Nah, that would be a dick move. I’m committed to her lower lips now. Please vagina, be kind. Buckle up, I’m going down!”

Removes panties.

“Holy shit, it’s incredible. It’s a work of art. It’s blinding. Even better than what I imagined in my head the 50 times I masturbated to it.”

“Now it’s time to explore this region. Fingers ready? Tongue ready? Alright, break! Fingers stick to the right, tongue to the left, divide and conquer! Stick to the outside, smell test. Mmmm, I can’t smell anything. NO STENCH! I REPEAT, COMPLETELY STENCHLESS! I’m going in, over, I repeat, I’m going in.”

“Mmmmm…my thoughts on initial vagina sampling? Verdict? Perfectly tasteless…like celery. Why the hell am I thinking about celery right now? Perfectly tasteless is perfectly tasteful for a vagina.”

“Does she even like what I’m doing right now? She’s barely moved since I started. Should I look up to see what kind of facial expressions she’s making to see if she likes it? No, keep your head down. Can’t shake the insecurity. I just looked. Ohhhh, her eyes are closed, that’s a good sign right? At least she’s not texting like the last girl was.”

“Her legs are moving, she can’t keep still, also a good sign.”

Girl moans. “Ohhh, you’re so good at that.” Girl thrashes her hair around

“No way! That is the right spot? I thought I was just spinning my wheels here. Now that’s what you call a very good educated guess.”

More moans.

“Yeah, you hear that. That’s the sound only a stud hears. You’re an absolute stud. You’re the king of cunnilingus.”

“Hmmmm…I thought an orgasm was on the way? That’s strange. False alarm? Dammit, she better cum after all this work. I’m starting to sweat.”

“Okay, really? Now she’s back to not moving again? I’m trying really hard here! My tongue is starting to cramp. My face is soaking wet. I feel like a toddler in a highchair with apple sauce smeared all over his face. I could really use a towel right about now. BUT, I will not quit without an orgasm. This girl is going to cum whether she likes it or not. I’ll carry her orgasm across the finish line on my back if I have to.”

“Okay, she keeps looking down at me and grabbing at my head…does she want me to stop? Should I ask her if she’s close? Is that rude? Impolite? Will it ruin the mood? Will her vagina dry up and die? NO! SHE’LL SMELL THE WEAKNESS ON ME! I can’t ask if she’s close. That will ruin everything. Come on, head down, eye on the prize (g-spot).”

Pelvic thrusts.

“Is that what I think it was? Pelvic thrusts! Yes! I can see the shore! Full steam ahead. I think I’m going to make it! Time to pick up the pace. The 100 meter dash begins. Faster, faster, faster! Fingers, tongue, fingers, tongue. Time to give one for the record books and go out a hero!”

“Please, for the love of god don’t be a squirter! She would warn me if she was, wouldn’t she? Yeah she wouldn’t do that to me. Maybe it’s so good she’ll discover she can squirt? Like a superhero discovering their superhuman powers for the first time. Come on, don’t give yourself so much credit, you’re not going to unlock some superhero squirting power.”

“AND TOUCHDOWN! The crowd goes wild. MVP. My Victory Pussy.”

“Just whatever you do, pretend like this happens all the time. Rise up like it’s no big deal and you’ve been in the business of making girls orgasm for years.”

“She came, I saw, I conquered.”

“Now it’s time for dessert! Blowjob?”

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