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Jamie Rea

Comedy

A 15-Step Guide To Keeping A Relationship Casual

Ahh the causal relationship. It’s a tricky thing, isn’t it?

While I’m not here to promote casual relationships and tell you that everybody should be engaging in no strings attached sex, it’s definitely a part of dating and relationships. They also aren’t for everyone. Some people fuck someone, or get fucked by someone, and are immediately attached. But lets face it — sometimes you just want to play around and not have to clean up the mess. Sometimes you just aren’t in a place where you want to deal with intense emotions and want a “relationship vacation”. So whether you just to have some fun, you just got out of a serious relationship and need an emotional breather, you aren’t in a place where you’re ready for something serious, or you simply just want to play the field…here is how you manage to walk the fine line of a casual relationship.

Because it’s definitely a fine line…

Step 1. You have to be comfortable being the person’s end of the night life raft. The most important thing you have to remember is that in a casual relationship, you aren’t a priority. You’re just this vague thing that is there to make their life a little less shitty…most often at the end of the night when they’re drunk and horny. So stop thinking that you’re important to this person. You’re this person’s drunken back-up plan. So you’re really their back-up, back-up plan. You’re the guy she will meet up with when the bar she was at didn’t have any attractive dudes, or she is just lazy and wants to hang out with someone without having to put in any of the groundwork. You have to be fine with being there for this person at 2AM when they’re mangled and just want someone to fuck away their loneliness. So if you can’t accept that you are not a priority and only matter because you’re “around” and happen to have human genitals, then this relationship style is probably not for you.

Step 2. Drunk Sex>Sober Sex. Sober sex is often where relationships are made. I mean…you know you’re turning the corner in your courtship period when you’ve stopped banging with a buzz on. Lets face it, drunken sex is much more animalistic, while sober sex is much more intimate and caring. When you have drunk sex you fuck, but sober sex is where you make love, or make like. During drunk sex all we want to do is cum, while during sober sex all we want is for the other person to cum. While it’s inevitable that you will eventually start to have sex sober if you hang out for long enough…because sober sex is so much better anyways. But it’s important that you try to limit your fornicating to when you’re both drunk and on the weekends as much as possible. Get drunk, fuck, repeat. That’s the cycle you want to stay on.

Step 3. Only cuddle if preceded by sex. Often what comes along with sober sex is cuddling with your clothes on. Both are gateway behaviours to relationships. It’s those fully clothed spooning sessions where the “I guess we’re an official couple now” realizations start to come about. The minute you wake up and wipe drool from your face as you nudge your partner’s butthole from behind in the big spoon position with both of you still in street clothes, that’s the minute the vacation is over and real life begins. This is why you need to limit your spooning sessions to nothing more than a systematic post-sex activity.

Step 4. Keep the pillow talk to a bare minimum. A man’s most honest words are said with his head resting against a pillow. I understand the difficulty here…you’ve just emptied your tank, so your compulsion to open up your heart is going to be strong. But pillow talk conversations are a slippery slope for casual relationships. These moments are extremely intimate: you find out secrets that they’ve never told anyone else, you share embarrassing stories from your childhood, weird quirks you’ve never talked about, your hopes, your dreams, and all the stuff that we only tell to someone that we’re beginning to trust and beginning to like. How can you not resist? You’re staring deeply into each other’s eyes while you rest your head against something soft and lovely. It’s near impossible to avoid getting swept up in the moment and escape without your heart turning into some gushy piece of pink Starburst candy. So you have to stay strong, fight against the pillow convos, and keep your shit together, man. If your goal is to keep the emotions out of it and keep it casual, then you should just skim through enough of the rudimentary pillow talk requirements that you don’t come across as an asshole, but not enough that you begin to open up a real emotional and intimate connection with this person.

Step 5. Pay separately whenever possible. When we court a girl we buy her things. This is a man’s way of saying, “don’t worry I’ll take care of you”. While the gesture will be appreciated by her and make you a gentleman, you’re going to be sketching unfair expectations into her brain. By taking her out to nice dinners, buying her stuff, and covering her side of finances, she may begin to get subconscious ideas you’re trying to court her. Maybe she thinks you’re opening up to the idea of a relationship, you’re actually starting to like her, or you were lying about only wanting a casual relationship and you actually want something exclusive. You see, what you have is an arrangement, not a relationship. She will begin to get confused and set different parameters in her own female head for what your “arrangement” is. So split the check as often as possible, that way you don’t blur the lines of your casual relationship.

Step 6. Don’t introduce her to your friends or family. By doing this, you are just going to increase the attachment ties. Besides, what are you going to say to your parents, “hey mom and dad this is the girl I’m banging on the side that I can’t commit to!” The girl would have to be pretty dumb, niave, or not value herself to even want to be around your friends and family under those circumstances. A casual relationship is the type of situation where you have your own separate lives, completely, but you meet in the middle, most often in a bedroom location. Better yet, I’d suggest you don’t even bring up your family problems or friendly quarrels. Don’t give her the emotional burden of having to deal with that bullshit. This is supposed to be a relationship vacation, where you are both spared the crappy parts that come with relationships and instead get to enjoy the sunny side of each other’s personalities. DO NOT vent about friends and family, just bury it and save it for someone that’s used to airing out your dirty laundry.

Step 7. Try to only text to arrange your next “hang out”. It’s easy to sink into that relationship texting pattern: you text each other all day, send sweet messages, ask how each other’s days went, and what your upcoming plans are. This has to be moderated in a casual relationship. It’s too easy to assume a relationship role and get attached to each other. Now in our technological-obsessed culture we have to establish relationship boundaries not only in person, but through technology and how we interact with each other on the various platforms as well. You should not talk to the person every single day in a casual relationship, but rather a couple of times a week to check-in and see what they have planned coming up and when your next “hang out” will be able to slot in. Keep the conversations to logistical planning and humorous ribbing, as opposed to emotional building conversations that will lead to both of you becoming attached.

Step 8. Continue to play the field. This directly ties with the ‘don’t text each other too often’ rule. Unlike an actual relationship, a casual relationship accounts for a very small fraction of your world. So you want to stay busy and keep your eyes on the playing field. You’re trying to harvest a garden, not water and grow one single seed. So make sure you go out and party with your friends, talk to other girls, hook up with other girls, have fun, and be sure that you don’t give your arrangement more attention than is necessary. This is where some people struggle because they finally find someone who will have sex with them regularly and they just give up on everyone and everything else. You can’t do this if you want to keep a relationship casual, you have to keep moving with your life or else you will become that clingy boyfriend type, which is pathetic when you’re only sleeping with each other casually. You could even use these guy’s nights out as constant reminders to yourself that you’re technically single and can do whatever you want. Don’t throw it in her face, but when you are away from her, it’s game on, and you better be playing.

Step 9. Do not buy her gifts or accept gifts from her. Okay, lets say you are casually having sex with someone around their birthday, Christmas, Valentines, or another holiday. This does not mean that you have to buy them something. I don’t care how good they look naked and how good the sex is, this just breaks every single rule in the casual rulebook. A lot of people don’t even buy their best friends gifts on holidays or birthdays, let alone someone they enter for a few minutes the odd Saturday night. If she buys you something, you kindly thank her for her generosity but tell her to march right back to the store and return that shit. Buying each other holiday gifts is going to feel forced and it’s going to make things weird. So make sure you bring it up quickly and set the boundary that no gifts will be bought. Now what’s even worse than the holiday gift buy, is the spontaneous gift buy. This means this person was thinking of you, randomly, out of nowhere. It shows they care…probably a little too much. As soon as she buys you a gift out of nowhere or you want to buy her a gift out of nowhere, you know that there are actual feelings there so you either have to end it, make her your girlfriend, or ask her if you can be her boyfriend.

Step 10. Keep your jealously issues to yourself. Again, with this whole relationship vacation thing, nobody wants to take a vacation with someone who is just going to complain they aren’t paying enough attention the entire time. They are going to want to take the adventure with someone who likes to laugh, is easy going, up for anything, and has the ability to be light-hearted. So if you feel the need to communicate your jealously concerns to the person you’re sleeping with, just please don’t. Fight against it and keep it to yourself. The fun and naivety of the relationship will be ruined once you lash out at her about some old pal she was talking to. Definitely distinguish that you are with each other only when you are with one another, and you are free to do as you please when away from each other, but this doesn’t give you the authority to throw fuming jealously rants on her lap. You have to do your best to be the best relationship version of yourself, as least as long as you can hold out. You know it’s time to move on or re-establish your situation when the jealously gets so strong you can’t keep it to yourself.

Step 11. Schedule a once-a-week bang block or weekly release. Meeting up once a week is good, but meeting bi-weekly is actually ideal. A bi-weekly bang is primetime-operating zone for a casual relationship. Do not stray from this schedule. In a casual relationship you need to keep this person at arm’s length. It’s about vagina in moderation. You can’t get so used to her vagina that your dick begins to feel at home. You want every time you have sex with this girl to feel like your dick is going on a mini vacation. I understand that when you enjoy having sex with someone and you get comfortable having sex with someone that it’s going to be easy to let the physical nature of your relationship overtake you, plus we all like to get laid. This is why you’re going to have to show unyielding self-control in order to keep this person at enough of a distance that the emotions don’t build up and your casual thing quickly becomes a serious thing.

Step 12. Laugh a lot and drink a lot of wine. If there were a doctor prescribing you something while going through a casual relationship, they would prescribe a lot of laughter and a lot of wine. In fact, your primary objective in a casual relationship is to laugh and cum, and drink as much wine as possible. Bring the bottle into bed, leave your emotions at the door, pop that wine cork off and turn that bedroom into a river of human fluids. Cut all the other serious shit out.

Step 13. Keep it short and know when to move on. All good things in life don’t last long, and a casual relationship is no different. Understand that this type of relationship begins with an expiry date; so be prepared for the end right from the beginning. Like all great vacations, by the end you’re excited to go home and get back to the daily grind and build things that can last. You have a very small window to sustain this type of grey zone relationship. So when you begin to get bored and lose that spark of fun you had with this person in the beginning, or you no longer want something that is just casual, then you know it’s time to end your arrangement. Whether you stop sleeping with each other altogether, or you move onto an actual committed relationship with each other by the end, that’s up for you to decide. My recommend dose of casual is anywhere from a couple of weeks on the low end, to a couple of months on the high end.

Step 14. Do not try to make it more than it is. This is like the Achilles heal for women and why so many of them can’t do casual relationships: the tendency to wonder “Well…maybe he wants to date me?” “Maybe he likes me?” “Maybe I can build him into boyfriend material and make him want to commit to me.” Same thing goes for guys, those relationship questions will start to ruminate and swirl around in your mind as you wonder if maybe they are secretly hoping that this turns into something more. Just calm those questions and concentrate on the fun aspect of it: so great news if all the fun you’re having ends up growing into something more, but don’t focus on that aspect of it or try and pre-determine what is going to come of everything. Let things unfold how they will. You need to understand that at this junction in time, you’re simply using each other as a hiatus from real relationships and nothing more.

Step 15. MOST IMPORTANTLY, Enjoy your relationship vacation. You earned this time off. Indulge. Eat sweets. Drink more. Have a lot of sex. Stay up late. Do as much weird shit as possible. Try something new…sexually perhaps. You are on relationship vacation; you can be whoever you want to be. This person doesn’t know you, and doesn’t really care to get to know you. They are your all-inclusive resort of fun and you are theirs. You worked hard trudging through the sludge of previous heartbreaks and emotional trials, so put your feet up and get your dick sucked. You’ve earned this time off to mend battle scars and rest your heart before you throw yourself back into the ring of real relationships. It won’t be long before you’re nervously and anxiously trying to get a girl to like you, getting washed away in a tsunami of rejection, and remembering how much more difficult life and relationships are when there’s real emotions at stake. Just make sure you don’t overstay your welcome.

Casual relationships are not for everyone. Before you even think about walking its fine line, you have to ask yourself if you’re even the type of person with enough emotional control to engage in something that is so emotionally constrained. The truth is that casual relationships are even more difficult than actual relationships in a way, because you have to constantly be monitoring your feelings as well as the other person’s to make sure nobody gets hurt and you are both getting what you want from the arrangement. A casual relationship requires constant attention and upkeep to make sure you are both still on the same page. So you have to be honest with yourself and what your relationship type is and if it’s even a realistic arrangement for you. And for those that are able to go through with them, you may find some great moments along the way, some moments that you look back on and make you genuinely happy.

Whatever the reason that brought you to a place in your life where you felt that a casual relationship was the right thing for you: you just got your heart broken and were afraid to be vulnerable again, you aren’t in a “life place” where you can take on a serious commitment, you are young and simply just want to have fun, you have trust issues, or you’re afraid of commitment…whatever it may be…hopefully you got out of it what you needed.

Or maybe you got a lot more out of your vacation than you bargained for. Maybe you fell in love…

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